Shame

Shame is the worst emotion. It can be debilitating. It keeps us in the closet, hiding our darkest secrets from the world. It can prevent us from developing deep and meaningful relationships with others because we try so hard to hide the most shameful parts of ourselves. Most significantly, it prevents us from seeking the help we need.

My biggest shame has always been my binge eating. I have a deep-rooted sense of shame because of my inabiltiy to control my eating habits. I’ve always prided myself on being disciplined in other areas of my life, but eating in a healthy manner was always the one thing I couldn’t get a handle on. Because of this shame and fear of judgement, I’ve never truly sought the help I need and have opened up to very few people about the realness of my lifelong struggle.

I want someone to know me, really know me. But how can someone really know me if I don’t open up to them about this part of my life? And this is a BIG part of my life, that has been ever-present since I was a child. It’s my biggest shame, and I walk around with all 300lbs of it on my back.

 

 

 

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A binge eating crossfitter… Huh?

I sit here writing my first blog post with a big stain on my shirt, a reminder of my In-N-Out binge from earlier today. It’s the usual: two cheeseburgers, two fries, a large coke and chocolate shake. If you don’t live on the west coast I am equal parts sorry for you, as well as, envious of you. I am sorry that you do not get to experience the deliciousness of an In-N-Out burger, but also jealous that you are not tempted by the drive-thru that I pass by everyday on the way to and from work.

But I won’t kid myself and say that I wouldn’t just find temptation elsewhere. You can take the In-N-Out out of the state, but you can’t take the binge eating out of the girl. Or something along those lines…

What is a binge eating crossfitter, you ask? Allow me to supply you with some definitions:

Binge eater: someone who suffers from binge eating disorder (BED). BED is characterized by recurrent episodes of compulsive overeating in which a person consumes huge amounts of food while feeling out of control and powerless to stop. You can learn more about BED here.

Crossfitter: someone who partakes in Crossfit. Crossfit is a fitness program that specializes in not specializing. It emphasizes functional movements that are constantly varied at high intensity. It is called “the sport of fitness” and in any given workout you can find burpees, deadlifts, pull ups, double unders, snatches, push ups, rowing, running, clean & jerks, rope climbs, sled pulls, and the list goes on! Curious to learn more? Check out this video about Crossfit.

Now, these two terms sounds like they shouldn’t be used in the same sentence, right? I mean, how could these two identities possibly coexist in one person? They can and they do, and it’s not pretty. This is my brutally honest account of my struggle with binge eating while trying to successfully attain a healthy lifestyle with the help of Crossfit. It’s a good old fashioned war between good and evil, and I’ve got a foot on either side of the battlefield.

Nothing is off-limits as I share my unaltered thoughts and experiences with you. Expect a little humor, frustration, awkwardness, contradiction, sorrow, and candidness. Inquires and comments are welcome, but let’s leave the judgement at the door.